Dun..dun…dun! SUPERWOMAN!

I have this special ability of annoying a particular person just by breathing.  Everything I say, everything I do is almost always wrong to his way of thinking.  This used to bother me until I realized this was HIS problem, not mine.   However, I had a friend point out the other day that this ability to annoy him just by being alive must be my “super power” which led me to thinking.  What super powers would women want if they had them?  Which powers would men want us to have?   Which ones do men think we have?  So, I did a bit of research.  I was astounded at the number of Super Human features a non-human can have!

This morning, I’m donning my cape (mine is pink, shiny, with a giant SL on it for Super Lisa) and pretending, for a moment, my life is a comic book.  My version of me in my comic book is stunning…really long waist length curly hair, bright green eyes, a to-die-for rack and a perfect round ass.  I rock in Comic Book World!  And yes, this list is likely going to offend men and it will come off as offensive because I’m fed up with them and because it’s my list and I can write it however I want.  Enjoy!

(NOTE:  My normal self is not at all man-hatey. It is just on this particular day when I began this blog, The One Who I Annoy by Breathing had really gotten to me)

SUPER POWERS MEN THINK WE HAVE:

1.  Energy sourcing:  Guys, our energy is not endless.  We do not have the ability to tap into a light bulb and make more energy.  At the end of the day after working, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, taking care of kids and pets, running errands and doing God knows what else is expected of us, there is a reason we aren’t in the mood for love.  We’re freakin’ tired.  Maybe if you would pitch in a bit more, you’d get lucky more often.

2.  Echolocation:  “Honey, where is the remote?”  “Hey babe, do you know where my shoes are?”  “Sweetheart, have you seen my car keys?”  NEWSFLASH MEN:  We do not have the ability to conjour up the location of objects you’ve misplaced.  There is no way for us to know where you left your crap.  YOU find it.

3.  Invulnerability:  Your words and actions can and do hurt us when you do not bother to think before you speak or do.  We won’t always tell you this because we like to sometimes secretly plot revenge against you, but know it’s true.  We are vulnerable and would truly appreciate it if you men were a bit more compassionate.  It could save your life one day.

4.  Telepathy:  Sweet baby crickets!  This is a big one!  Men, we can not read your minds!  If something is in there it works out so much better for everyone if you just say it.  Otherwise, you are leaving it up to women to assume how you feel or what you think and this never ends well!  Not for you, not for us.  Speak up guys!

5.   Size shifting:  Think we’re getting chubby? Maybe we’ve put on a couple of pounds?  Deal with it b/c this shit isn’t going to melt off overnight just because you want it to…and might we just point out that beer gut you’ve got going on?  Not near as manly as you think it is.

SUPER POWERS MEN WISH WE HAD:

1.  Mutation:  You joined in this relationship knowing how we look and while we may change over the years, you are supposed to love us no matter what.  Stop spending so much time ogling models and chicks who dress like whores.  REAL women do not look this way, you are insulting us when you do this.  We mostly hate it so stop doing it.

2.  Echolocation:  I mention this one again for the obvious reason.

3.  Super Speed:  NO, we can’t get ready any faster!  Back off!  We’ll be ready when we’re ready and if other women are anything like me, the more we’re nagged to hurry up the slower we move.

4.  Telepathy:  This one would let men off the hook.  They’d not have to speak (which admittedly can be a blessing at times) and we’d know what they are thinking.  No such luck.

5.  Accelerated Healing:  Honestly, I’m clueless as to why grown men revert back to toddlers when they get sick.  It boggles my mind.  So men, as much as we’d love to make it all better, we can’t.  You’ll have to let that little cold run it’s course!

SUPER POWERS WOMEN WISH WE HAD:

1.  Super Human Strength:  There isn’t a woman out there who doesn’t work her ass off to try and do it all and make everyone happy.   This power would come in handy every second of everyday.

2.  Shape Shifting and/or Mutation:  I threw this in here because it occurs to me how incredibly funny it would be to shape shift myself into the body of Marilyn Monroe then refuse to put out!   🙂

3.  Duplication:  If we can’t have Super Human Strength, this one will suffice.  More of us, more gets done.

4.  Invisibility:  This one should be obvious.

5.  Heat Vision:  Be glad women don’t have this one.  Otherwise, while walking down the street, you’d see a lot of men with holes burned right through them.

I started writing this blog three days ago (see?  I told you all I procrastinate) and in my head I’ve got several other blogs written.  Guess I better get busy, eh?

You guys have a SUPER day!

(Thank you Denise for the inspiration)

The Elephant in the Room…

People hate to talk about this because it’s considered a taboo subject but if you know me at all, then you know there are few subjects I consider off-limits.  Especially those that are a part of life and can’t be avoided.  So here I go…

Our world needs to be a bit more educated about PMS.  Every single time I hear someone say “it’s all in a woman’s head” I want to slap them.  It’s usually a man who makes this comment so this blog is for the idiot men out there who don’t have a clue and have obviously never lived with or known a woman.  For those men who are educated and smart enough to recognize PMS for what it is – HELL FOR A WOMAN – and real, then I salute you!

Let’s get down to it, shall we?

PMS is real.  It is damn real.  It is so real that my family works hard at simply avoiding me all together for that 7 – 14 days during the month.  People are afraid to talk to me, to ask me questions, to look at me wrong.  It’s a serious situation.  Now, in a previous life I was medicated (God bless Prozac) and so my symptoms were not near as bad.  Throw in a little Xanax and I’m good to go.  But those days are long gone so it’s just me.  Me and my hormones and we aren’t friendly.  It’s not just the bitchiness either.  There is the bloating, the food cravings that us women find disturbing because it is this time of month when we feel the fattest and most unattractive, it’s the headaches (some get migraines – I do), and the need to be loved yet also being unapproachable at the same time…it’s a nightmare.  It’s the sadness, depression, anger and mood swings we can not control…and knowing we have no real control makes us even more sad, depressed, and angry and what do you know?  Here comes another mood swing!  It’s a vicious cycle, men. 

The truth of the matter is, this is not in our heads.  It is in our hormones.  They get all whacked out and trigger all of those symptoms  I mentioned, and for the record PMS can trigger approximately 150 different physical and psychological symptoms.  Luckily for women, after child-bearing years, this goes away but those 30-40 years of dealing with it can really take a toll on a person.  Think about that?  I started my period when I was 9 years old.  NINE!  I am now almost 44.  You do the math.  It’s a long damn time. 

What can we do about it?  Well, as I mentioned earlier, drugs help.  But not all of us have the means to get those so try natural remedies.  I’ve found that St. John’s Wart and Valerian Root work to get me through the hard times.   Exercise and rest and relaxation can also help with relieving some of the symptoms.  If you suffer from sleep deprivation during PMS, try taking melatonin.  Works wonders for a good night’s sleep. 

For more information, the resources on the web are endless but try choosing a reputable source.  I found Discovery Health website to be quite helpful and informative.

And for men, the ones who get it and the ones who choose to live in a state of denial, all you can really do is just accept it.  It’s here, it’s not going anywhere, and no matter what you do you’ll probably be wrong so just smile, nod, and walk away.  But not too fast because we might want a hug.  Of course, you’ll hug us and then we’ll get mad at you for it but that’s ok.  Just remember…this too shall pass and never doubt we love you, even when we don’t show it, because we do. 

I need to take a moment to apologize to Bret, my trucker.  He’s shown an abundance of patience and kindness this week that I simply did not know men possessed.  He has single-handedly restored my faith in men so thank you Bret…you are a really special guy.