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Tag Archives: humor
Bad Dates Can Be Fun!
We’ve all had ’em right? Those dates that just seemed to go on forever with no hope of ever ending – or so it felt. From a woman’s perspective, anytime we go out with someone, we typically know within the first thirty minutes (or at least I do) if we’ll see a guy again. There are signs we look for, little hints as to what kind of potential a guy has. And yes, women go into just about every single date wondering “is this my forever man?” At my age though, I’ll settle for the “six months to a couple of years guy.” I’m way past believing things last forever. Call me jaded or cynical, but I’m also not stupid and see no reason to place unreasonable expectations on anything.
My standards are fairly high. I want a man who is intelligent, funny, well-groomed, well-mannered, has their own life (so as not to be infringing on my space 24 hours a day), one who likes kids (I have one), one who likes animals (I have many), and one who shares some of the same interests – doesn’t have to be all, just some. I prefer tall men. I find long hair on a man very sexy (although this isn’t a deal breaker, I just prefer that rocker look). I like tattoos (again, not a deal breaker but I have a few so if a man is turned off by them he’s out the door). I like sex so that is a factor, too. Means I can’t date priests.
Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day and while most folks will be going out this evening with a long-time love or at least someone they’ve been dating awhile, some are going out for the first time. You must be prepared. I realize today is the Day of Love and romance is in the air, blah blah blah but it could happen…Anti-Romantic Dork Guy could be lurking and if you’re one of the unlucky ones who happens to end up with him this evening, keep these ideas in mind for ending a bad date:
* Eat your soup with a fork and spend the entire time complaining about the faulty utensils.
* Periodically get up from the table, run around it a few times, flapping your arms and make bird noises.
* Spend the entire date talking about how horrible your first period was.
* If you can pull it off, wear a Cupid costume under your clothing. When the time feels right, go to the restroom, come out dressed as Cupid and start pinging people will arrows shouting “LOVE! YOU’RE IN LOVE!” (No sharp points…otherwise, it’s a felony and this becomes a bad night for a whole different reason)
* Ask the diners around you if you can take home their leftovers.
* Lean over, start cutting up the steak for the guy at the table next to you.
* If you’ve had a child, discuss childbirth in great detail during the meal.
* Pretend you’re a turkey and end every sentence with “Gobble!”
* Excuse yourself to go to the restroom. When you come out, dance and sing all the way back to the table. Make sure you take a bow before you sit down.
* Ask your date to take at least one bite of everything on your plate and explain you aren’t paranoid, but just want to be sure nobody poisoned your food.
* Try drooling and talking LOUDLY with your mouth full.
Now, I’ve never done any of these things…I swear. That’s not to say I wouldn’t. I’ve just not been so unfortunate as to have a date that required any of these emergency tactics. But know, if I’m ever in the Bad Date Trap, I’d try some of them!
Enjoy your night out! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Just Try It…
Seriously, if you dance and sing this little song it helps to alleviate grumpiness. It’s also fun!
Dun..dun…dun! SUPERWOMAN!
I have this special ability of annoying a particular person just by breathing. Everything I say, everything I do is almost always wrong to his way of thinking. This used to bother me until I realized this was HIS problem, not mine. However, I had a friend point out the other day that this ability to annoy him just by being alive must be my “super power” which led me to thinking. What super powers would women want if they had them? Which powers would men want us to have? Which ones do men think we have? So, I did a bit of research. I was astounded at the number of Super Human features a non-human can have!
This morning, I’m donning my cape (mine is pink, shiny, with a giant SL on it for Super Lisa) and pretending, for a moment, my life is a comic book. My version of me in my comic book is stunning…really long waist length curly hair, bright green eyes, a to-die-for rack and a perfect round ass. I rock in Comic Book World! And yes, this list is likely going to offend men and it will come off as offensive because I’m fed up with them and because it’s my list and I can write it however I want. Enjoy!
(NOTE: My normal self is not at all man-hatey. It is just on this particular day when I began this blog, The One Who I Annoy by Breathing had really gotten to me)
SUPER POWERS MEN THINK WE HAVE:
1. Energy sourcing: Guys, our energy is not endless. We do not have the ability to tap into a light bulb and make more energy. At the end of the day after working, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, taking care of kids and pets, running errands and doing God knows what else is expected of us, there is a reason we aren’t in the mood for love. We’re freakin’ tired. Maybe if you would pitch in a bit more, you’d get lucky more often.
2. Echolocation: “Honey, where is the remote?” “Hey babe, do you know where my shoes are?” “Sweetheart, have you seen my car keys?” NEWSFLASH MEN: We do not have the ability to conjour up the location of objects you’ve misplaced. There is no way for us to know where you left your crap. YOU find it.
3. Invulnerability: Your words and actions can and do hurt us when you do not bother to think before you speak or do. We won’t always tell you this because we like to sometimes secretly plot revenge against you, but know it’s true. We are vulnerable and would truly appreciate it if you men were a bit more compassionate. It could save your life one day.
4. Telepathy: Sweet baby crickets! This is a big one! Men, we can not read your minds! If something is in there it works out so much better for everyone if you just say it. Otherwise, you are leaving it up to women to assume how you feel or what you think and this never ends well! Not for you, not for us. Speak up guys!
5. Size shifting: Think we’re getting chubby? Maybe we’ve put on a couple of pounds? Deal with it b/c this shit isn’t going to melt off overnight just because you want it to…and might we just point out that beer gut you’ve got going on? Not near as manly as you think it is.
SUPER POWERS MEN WISH WE HAD:
1. Mutation: You joined in this relationship knowing how we look and while we may change over the years, you are supposed to love us no matter what. Stop spending so much time ogling models and chicks who dress like whores. REAL women do not look this way, you are insulting us when you do this. We mostly hate it so stop doing it.
2. Echolocation: I mention this one again for the obvious reason.
3. Super Speed: NO, we can’t get ready any faster! Back off! We’ll be ready when we’re ready and if other women are anything like me, the more we’re nagged to hurry up the slower we move.
4. Telepathy: This one would let men off the hook. They’d not have to speak (which admittedly can be a blessing at times) and we’d know what they are thinking. No such luck.
5. Accelerated Healing: Honestly, I’m clueless as to why grown men revert back to toddlers when they get sick. It boggles my mind. So men, as much as we’d love to make it all better, we can’t. You’ll have to let that little cold run it’s course!
SUPER POWERS WOMEN WISH WE HAD:
1. Super Human Strength: There isn’t a woman out there who doesn’t work her ass off to try and do it all and make everyone happy. This power would come in handy every second of everyday.
2. Shape Shifting and/or Mutation: I threw this in here because it occurs to me how incredibly funny it would be to shape shift myself into the body of Marilyn Monroe then refuse to put out! 🙂
3. Duplication: If we can’t have Super Human Strength, this one will suffice. More of us, more gets done.
4. Invisibility: This one should be obvious.
5. Heat Vision: Be glad women don’t have this one. Otherwise, while walking down the street, you’d see a lot of men with holes burned right through them.
I started writing this blog three days ago (see? I told you all I procrastinate) and in my head I’ve got several other blogs written. Guess I better get busy, eh?
You guys have a SUPER day!
(Thank you Denise for the inspiration)
The War on Hotdogs…
Yesterday, I was reading articles from Cracked.com. If you’ve never been to this site before you really have to check it out. NOT if you get easily offended though because some of the stuff on there is a bit much but if you can handle it, by all means take a look. There are many times I’ve laughed out loud while reading this site and yesterday was no exception. I stumbled upon an article about the worst PSAs (public service announcements) on drugs and honestly…well, you’ll see.
Before anyone gets all wadded up, know I am NOT making fun of drug addicts or anyone who struggles with addiction. I do realize what a serious problem it is. I’m also a Mom so don’t think for one second that I’ve not threatened bodily harm to my kid if I EVER find out she’s done or is doing drugs. I catch her messing around with ’em, and shit is gonna get real – no doubt. I’m not the type of parent who would sit around hoping the issue goes away on its own.
The purpose of this blog is to actually encourage parents to take a firm stand with their kids and understand it’s up to us to educate them and keep an eye on them. Sex, drugs…WE have to take a stand with our kids and let them know the deal. WE must be the ones to teach them, love them, take care of them. We cannot count on schools (teachers, counselors) to do the work for us and we damn sure canNOT count on our government, especially since government agencies insist on creating these ridiculous PSAs. Now, they’ve gotten a bit more real over the years, I’ll admit that. But there was a time when they were so insane and funny that the only message a kid (such as myself) got from them is “This is my brain on drugs? Hell, now I just want an egg sandwich.” I was one of the lucky ones though. Yes I smoked pot quite a bit when I was younger but it never became a problem. I just decided I didn’t like it so I didn’t do it anymore. Not a big deal.
Anyway…while on Cracked.com yesterday, I saw this PSA for LSD and practically laughed myself into oblivion before I realized the real meaning behind the video…thousands of hotdogs die every year due to the use of LSD. It’s a serious problem here in the U.S. and in other countries, as well. The wives, the children of hotdogs lose loved ones too often to this horrible drug. It’s simply unfair. So the next time you or someone you know decides to drop a hit PLEASE…stay away from the innocent hotdogs. We must stop the madness!
State of Denial – It’s a Great Place to Visit, But…
Good morning friends!
I’ve been slack in my blogging the past few days. No real reason other than I’ve been so focused on my work with Ghost Walk’s magazine, Haunted Path, that I’ve left myself time for little else. Notice how I’m throwing in links to this stuff? Pretty sneaky huh? Hope you all check ’em out – Ghost Walk does good work! Oh, and just FYI – I am the Acting Editor-in-Chief of our magazine so if you have a good ghost story you’d like to share & possibly have published, hit me up! You can send me an email to lsummerlin@ghostwalkproductions.com.
Ok, enough of that. Let’s get down to the reason for this blog…
I’ve mentioned in previous blogs how I often find inspiration when reading the White Bison Elder’s Meditation emails I get daily. Today is no different. Here it is…
“If people are going to get back into balance, one of the things they have to do is seek the truth. They have to start really speaking the truth themselves, and that’s a difficult thing to do. The way it is now in the world, we don’t mind lying.” ~John Peters (Slow Turtle), WAMPANOAG
Oh wait…this is actually yesterday’s Meditation, but the date is insignificant. It’s the message I want to talk about.
How many of us do this? I could not be more guilty of it if my name were Guilty Guilterson. Seriously. To clarify, I don’t spend my time lying to others because it is a trait I despise, but I do lie to myself. Which leads me to wonder – why is it wrong to lie to others but okay to lie to ourselves? It’s not. Not even a little. If we’re going to live our lives being honest we might as well go whole hog with it and face up to it when we’re dishonest with ourselves.
There are things about me, about my life, about my habits that I don’t like. And to be REALLY honest, I’m horrible about living in that great state of Denial. I spend ridiculous amounts of time there and I think it’s because I just expect, somewhere in the back of my brain, that things will just fix themselves by some miraculous Divine Intervention and then I have to do nothing at all. WRONG. See, we can pray all day and night for our Higher Power to fix things for us but if we’re not willing to do the work and we’re not prepared to go through what it takes to get us to what we’ve prayed for then we can’t really expect a damn thing and part of that means telling ourselves the truth.
For example: one of the things I do not like about myself is my lack of time management. It’s a simple thing really and could technically be easily changed. I’ve found myself so busy these days and I’m just going through life, whistlin’ a little tune (not really – I can’t whistle), thinking “Oh, it’ll all work out. I’ll get done what I can. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ve got lots of time.” BIG FAT LIE. We have no idea how much time we actually do have and since I’m no “Seer of the Future” what the hell do I know? The answer to that is nothing. So when I have those lucid moments of realizing I am lying to myself about being gripped, I go through this long mental debate about what I need to do to make the change and balance my time more wisely. See, I’m a terrible procrastinator. I’ve turned it into an art form, seriously. If there were a degree for it, I’d have a Master’s. Probably even a Doctorate. Lisa Summerlin, PhD of Procrastination. That’s me. What does all of this mean? It means I need to STOP lying to myself about things magically getting done on time and I need to GET A GRIP. I can sit here and look all kickass in this blog about how I’m facing the truth about myself right here, right now, but the actual act of not lying to myself about my terrible habit on a daily basis? That’s the real kicker.
My point in all of this is if there is something you don’t love about yourself or your situation, wouldn’t it be easier if we all just faced it, dealt with it, and moved on? It’s not fun to live life not being honest with ourselves. It’s a tremendous stressor, at least it is for me, so I wonder if it gets to everyone else the same way. I’ve got heavy duty issues I’m dealing with right now as well that I am not facing up to like my divorce and this one is killing me.
My husband left my daughter and me about three years ago. No warning and no reason. Just left. I spent a long time convincing myself he would come back home. He’d had a heart attack and he was just going through some of his own personal crap and when he felt better, he’d be back. The truth of that is I still, to this day, have no idea why he really left. I never will. Only he knows that and because he’s a compulsive liar, I’ll likely never really know what went on in his head. He and I talk often and he says he regrets it, but I’m looking around and I don’t see him here so…he must not regret it too damn much. Yet, I am STILL struggling to make myself file the divorce. Part of it is a money issue in the sense that I don’t have any and attorneys don’t work for free. But then I find excuses like I’ll wait just a bit longer because he might come home for our daughter, or he still loves me because he says it so I’ll try and hang on to that. LIES, LIES, LIES. The hardest part of all of this is admitting to myself that I just don’t love him anymore. I’m not sure when I came to that realization and it wasn’t some kind of mind-blowing, stop me in my tracks moment, but I know now that I don’t love him. I know I can never trust him again and if we want to go a step further, I know now I could never really trust him to begin with. So see, I’m facing up to some of it. I’m being honest with myself about parts of this, but not all of it. That’s what I mean about going “whole hog” with this honesty thing. Trust me when I say I have NO trouble at all being honest with him about how I feel and what I think. I’ve got a mouth on me that won’t quit, but when it comes to being honest with myself, I don’t quite have it all together. Anyway, this year is my year. I’ll figure out someway to get the divorce done and I’ll FINALLY move on with that part of my life. No doubt when it is over and done with, I’ll feel a huge burden has been lifted off of me.
So, that’s my biggy. What’s yours? What is one thing you have been lying to yourself about that requires your immediate attention? To be a tad cliche’, it’s a new year so it’s a time for new beginnings right? Let’s all make a deal that we’ll figure out the one thing we’ve spent the most time lying to ourselves about and let’s just stop doing it. Let’s face that Monster in our Mental Closet, unleash that beast and let him go! Or her…you could be a dude and your Closet Monster could be a her. Whichever – let’s conquer that thing!
Today is a new day so take a bit of time to reflect on whatever it is you’ve not been honest to yourself about and decide to face up to it. We’ve all got something we must deal with so let’s buck up and deal with it!
Have a great Tuesday!
