The Day After

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I had every intention of writing this blog on Valentine’s Day but obviously I didn’t.  Hence the Day After title.  Duh.

Even though this particular holiday blog is late, this advice I’m about to share with you works for every holiday, every birthday, every anniversary AND it applies to both sexes.  You see how helpful I am?

I scour the internet looking for the dumbasses who haven’t yet quite gotten the hang of giving gifts.  Suffice it to say there isn’t a shortage.  It seems thoughtfulness and creativity elude some people.  It’s sad really when the world is literally at our fingertips (Internet).  I get that some men and women are clueless.  Maybe it’s a first holiday with that special someone and you’re not quite sure what to get or maybe you’ve been with this person for a million years and have just run out of ideas.   Let me offer the following:  when in doubt…ASK.  Most people aren’t afraid to give you a few hints.  If you aren’t comfortable asking your partner, ask your partner’s friends or a relative or – and this is a big one – PAY F****** ATTENTION because during the course of a day we’ve all mentioned something we’re interested in or would like to have.

If all of that fails then just read this blog.  Or share it with a bad gifter.  They’ll thank you later.

We’ll call this Gift Giving 101.

Let’s begin and keep in mind the big picture…


Cheese alone is not a good gift.  If it’s not in a basket with expensive wine and REAL glasses (not plastic ones where the bottom falls off) along with a blanket and a trip to the lake, don’t give cheese.


Speaking of food…we don’t want a trip to McDonald’s to celebrate a special day.  We just don’t.  Also forget those places where you can color on the table”cloth.”  If you can’t afford to take your loved one some place kind of special then skip it. Make a romantic dinner at home, light a few candles, put down the cell phone, turn off the TV but whatever you do, do NOT take your lover to anyplace with a drive-thru because there’s a good chance it will kill your chances of gettin’ lovin’ that night.


Wilted flowers are TACKY.  This says “I’m too cheap to get you nice, healthy upright flowers so I grabbed these from the dumpster at the grocery store.”  BAD idea.  If you can’t afford a bouquet of living flowers then just get one single living flower.  We will still very much appreciate the sentiment.


I actually read this lady’s story and couldn’t believe what I was reading.  Her boyfriend gave her flowers and at the end of the date ASKED FOR THEM BACK BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO GIVE THEM TO HIS MOM.  She needn’t have said that was their last date.  I knew it was coming.  What a dolt!  Avoid this…


Do not…I repeat…do NOT shop at a gas station.  We know when you give us windshield wipers or car air freshener or a cassette tape of disco tunes this is where you shopped.  We are not amused.


You didn’t forget.  We won’t let you forget.  If we’re talking a major holiday it’s impossible to forget and if it’s a birthday or anniversary you’re kind of a pig if you forget.  You need to know we won’t let you forget you forgot for a very long time.


Speaking of PIGS…if you are the type of man (or woman) who engages in this kind of behavior then this is for you and if you’re my man know you will STAY in the doghouse because I won’t forgive it!


For more help with gift giving be sure to read last year’s blog.



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