I Had a Moment…

Earlier today, my Mom and I cleaned my daughter’s room.  As I was going through her dresser, organizing and getting rid of clothes she no longer can wear, I came across one of F’s t-shirts.

I had a moment.  A sad one.

F and I are completely over now.  It ended badly and there is no hope of reconciliation.  There is no hope of even maintaining any kind of friendship.  I saw the t-shirt and for a brief moment I questioned myself and what I’ve done.  Was it right to break things off?  Should I try to call him?

The answers:  YES, I did the right thing and NO, I should not call.

At the end of that brief moment of sadness I realized how very right I was to end that relationship.    I know that I can’t go through the fighting, the drinking, the emotional abuse anymore.  I can’t endure any longer his Jekyll/Hyde routine and never knowing which one I’d get at any given moment.  It was a minute to minute kind of stress.  He could turn on me fast.  No more getting blind-sided.  No more getting blamed for things I wasn’t doing but he, in fact, was.  This is the end of his projecting his behavior on me.

Sad moments are inevitable.  I’ve struggled with this break-up for a year.  Have wanted it to happen and never before had the strength to get through.  I’d call it all off then go back.  I did this countless times and every single time I did it, regret followed.

This time is different.  This time it is for real.  This time I feel great about my decision.  This time I absolutely feel strong enough to get past those inevitable sad moments without caving in and without regret.

I don’t wish any ill will towards F.  He has his demons.  They are his and he has to fight them or not.  His choice.  I hope that someday he can find happiness and peace.  I wish him all the best.

As for me, it’s time I allow myself to be HAPPY.  New year, new beginnings.  Right?