Francis Marcus loved his beer.
He also loved his goat, Bob.
Bob the goat loved Francis Marcus and the beer.
But when you mix a man, a goat and beer bad things can happen. Bad, entertaining things.
911: “What’s your emergency?”
FRANCIS MARCUS’ GIRLFRIEND: “Yes, my boyfriend is in the backyard with the goat and things are getting pretty ugly out there. I’m not sure what to do.”
911: “What’s his name ma’am?”
FMG: “Bob. Bob the goat.”
911: “Um, no ma’am. I meant your boyfriend. What is your boyfriend’s name?”
FMG: “Oh. His name is Francis Marcus.”
911: “Is that his full name?”
FMG: “Well no. His last name is Willis. The goat doesn’t have a last name.”
911: “Uh, okay. So your boyfriend’s full name is Francis Marcus Willis?”
FMG: “That is correct.”
911: “What is your name ma’am?”
FMG: “My name is Alice Ellis. I really need help here. I’m pretty sure the goat just slapped my boyfriend in the face.”
911: (Audible sigh) “Um, yes ma’am. Can you tell me what happened?”
FMG: “Well, they were just chilling out in the backyard having a few beers. Oh wow…Bob just rammed Francis Marcus in the butt. Man. This is bad. I didn’t know Francis Marcus could flip that high in the air.”
911: “Ma’am, are you telling me that both your boyfriend and the goat were drinking beer?
FMG: “Yes. Bob gets a bit grouchy if he doesn’t have a couple of beers in the evening. Oh well, so does Francis Marcus. They can be so rambunctious sometimes.”
911: (Distinct laughter in the background) “Ma’am, are YOU drinking?”
FMG: “I assure you I’m not!”
911: “Ok, then continue…what happened after they started drinking beer?”
FMG: “They had an argument. It was an argument over a football game.”
911: “Your boyfriend argued with the goat over a football game?”
FMG: “Yes. Francis Marcus made a comment about a bad call one of the referees made. Bob got upset and kicked Francis Marcus. They love their football! After that, they started wrestling. At first I thought they were kidding but they seem very angry with each other right now. I’m not sure I can break up the fight.”
911: “It’s probably not safe for you to approach an angry goat in the middle of a argument.”
FMG: “Yea, that’s what I thought. Can you help me? Francis Marcus has Bob in a headlock now.”
911: “Ma’am, I can’t really send a unit to your home to break up a goat fight. Do you have a water hose?”
FMG: “Yes. Should I spray them?”
911: “That’s what I would suggest. I’ll hold while you do that. Please come back to the phone and let me know if it worked.”
FMG: “I’ll try that. Be right back!”
At this point, there is a lot of indistinguishable yelling and bleating going on in the background.
Then all of the sudden…SILENCE.
FMG: “Ok, I’m back. It worked. They are soaking wet and rolling around on the ground laughing now.”
911: “Good. Ma’am, I suggest you make sure Francis Marcus and Bob don’t drink anymore this evening. In fact, you might want to separate them for the remainder of the night.”
FMG: “That a good idea. I’ll try. Hard to keep them away from each other though but I will try.”
911: “If everything is okay now I need to disconnect this call.”
FMG: “Everything seems fine. They are still rolling around on the ground and I think they just high-fived each other. Goodbye.”