Haven’t blogged for a couple of days simply because I’ve not been in the mood to write. For the past few days I’ve been overwhelmed with anxiety. Friday (was it Friday?), in particular, was a terrible day. I left that morning to go to work and became so overcome with panic that I had to turn around and come back home. I had to stay inside the rest of the day. I cried a lot and at the end of the day felt mostly worthless and like a failure because I could not get past the panic attack and get to work. It is rare when I can’t plow through an attack. The entire day was completely disturbing.
I’m still feeling anxious but trying not to think on it too much. Hard to do. Yesterday I made it to work but it was a horrible struggle. By the time I got to my office I had a headache and just felt physically ill. And now I’m caught in that whole trap I set for myself – causing more anxiety by worrying about tomorrow when I’ll have to get to work again and wondering if another attack will hit while I’m driving.
In addition to all of that, I think I’ve finally just decided that it isn’t meant for me to be happy. It seems that it is impossible for me to just let go, relax and BE HAPPY. When I do, inevitably something comes around to knock my happy rug right out from under me. I’m sick of it.
Maybe it’s better to just remain neutral? Despite all of the anxiety I’ve been dealing with, I allowed myself to start to feel too much for the Man from the U.K. I’ve got to get gripped. It is absolutely insane for me to feel anything at all and it has been recommended that I “chill out.” That is what I’ll do. I’ll just chill the f*** out. The only way I know how to do that is to just detach completely. It hurt to hear those words – chill out. But whatever, right? Shit happens. Move on. If it’s not meant to be then it’s just not. Nothing I can do about it.
It might seem as if I’m feeling sorry for myself but the truth is I don’t. It’s more of just acknowledging that this is how it is when it’s like this and it’s like this now. I’m sad, yes. I’m hurt, yes. But such is life. I’ll get over it.
My goal this week will be to work on being neutral and not allowing myself to feel too much of anything in any direction. If I care too much it comes back around and bites me on the ass. If I don’t care enough, then that too bites me on the ass.
Yet another vicious cycle.
It’s getting old and I am so tired. Emotionally drained, exhausted and I’ve gone just about as far as I can go.